Can I help you?

What kind of pizza do you have?

I’m sorry, we don’t have pizza. They have it downstairs.

No pizza?

Yes, they serve it downstairs we do not.

But your menu says pizza.

I still don’t have pizza. We do not serve it, they offer pizza downstairs.

—use perky B* voice— Well OK! (turn to husband and say they serve it ….DOWNstairs. —underbreath— smarta$$ —-then place order

As difficult as it was, I never lost my helpful voice and forced the polite. I was even nice to her kid who will hopefully be nothing like mother. The female threw her twenty at me and it slid under the register. I just stood silent for a moment.

I didn’t mean to throw it.

Semi-polite, but still saying BS smile, I manage to slide the corner of the money from under the register, keep polite voice and finish the transaction. I even thanked her for coming to our stand and said have a great day.

Kill them with kindness? I had hopes. I currently hope she feels like an idiot for acting like such an arrogant piece of work.

On a separate note…IBC is still assumed for the original problem, but an infiltrating ductile carcinoma was also found and will be removed soon by lumpectomy.

More tests. More waiting.

It is the first day of 2012. I’m considering a blog 365 adventure, but really don’t want to commit myself to something I’m not sure I can do. I’ve struggled to blog lately. I think I’ve decided that I no longer care and will post what I want to post. Read, don’t read, I really don’t care. I have said many times over the years that this spot on the web is for me and no one else.

I posted two #FB status updates yesterday that I plan to hold to this year.

1. don’t count the days make the days count

2. “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” Seeking hope and miracles for 2012.

I was once fortunate enough to speak with James McPherson who told me the hardest part about writing was getting started. I am finding it increasingly difficult. Over the last month so many posts have been started and discarded. It’s like there are so many thoughts bouncing in my head and I am afraid to let them out. I should know from experience that letting them out makes me feel better.

Angry. Frustrated. Scared. Sad. Confused. Hurt. Hopeful. Helpless.

I have now been separated for almost two months and that is the least of my worries. How sad is that? I can deal with it. It’s my choice. I have control of the situation and my role in it. My biggest obstacle in this life I have no control over. I can’t fix it. It is not even my fight. All I can do is sit back and watch it take place, helpless.

My aunt has cancer. Inflammatory Breast Cancer to be exact. At least, that is the diagnosis this week. October 31 she felt a “pop” and thought she had been bitten by a spider. Noticed a little swelling, redness, and went to doctor. With antibiotics there was no change. Then came the tests. The spot gets worse, swells, hardens. First specialist tells her that she thinks it is a rare and incurable form of cancer. Wow, that’s quite a bombshell to drop in someone’s lap. A little delicacy would have been appreciated. More tests, biopsies. Cancer cells have to be found in order for insurance covered treatment to begin that will buy a little time. Traditional treatment includes chemo, radical mastectomy, and radiation. Chances of making the five year survival rate are below 50%. Without cancer cells being found insurance will not cover. This is NOT a cancer that you can wait around with! It is not slow, it is majorly aggressive.

No cancer cells found in the first round of biopsies. More tests needed, almost a month gone. The specialist is sure that it is IBC, but nothing can be done without cells. Time for another specialist. Strings are pulled, my cousin calls people who know people and gets my aunt in to see another respected specialist. This one doesn’t think it is IBC at all. He thinks it is bacterial. In fact he is virtually positive. Hope? Punch biopsies are performed. First results, no cancer cells. Strong antibiotics are prescribed, more tests to come. Relief. Hope. Weight of the world seems to be lifted.

I visit AL, have a great couple of days visiting with my aunt. There is still uncertainty, but no cancer cells so this is an uphill battle, but one that has a better chance of being won! I return home ready to tackle all the tasks necessary for the return to school. One day later, one text is a game changer.

The core biopsy found cancer cells. It is IBC.

How? Why? What now?

More tests. More waiting. Two months gone. The first specialist that was so dire gave her three months. THREE! She looked to be the picture of health! Her strong self! Enjoying life, bossing us around with vigor! How can she have CANCER?!?! Not just cancer, but a form of cancer that is severely aggressive and not responsive to treatments? I can handle the idea of cancer. Really. But I need hope. I need some reassurance that this is beatable!

I told my aunt that she is the second strongest person I know, and a product of the first. Gran is of course the first. I know that if anyone can fight this she can. I just hate that she has to. Hate that there is nothing else to do. Hate that treatment couldn’t start earlier. Hate the uncertainty.

Hate cancer.

It’s amazing to me how facing the trials of life can reveal so much. I’ve certainly found out who my friends are. Several I have known for years and years, others only a little while. Kind words, a laugh, checking up or a simple hi…all uplifting. When I think about all that haven’t even bothered to find out what is going on or how things are I shake my head and think “that’s about right”. Typical. Expected. Sad. I would offer no information, and really am not interested in the probing discussion that would take place, but I just find it strange that there hasn’t been a word spoken.

Other than life, crazy time of year. I’m not ready to embark on the Christmas journey, but it is on my agenda for next week. The rest of this weekend involves finishing a house project and grading. Lots and lots of grading. Joy.

As for life…we’ve separated. I don’t know what that means for later and I don’t think it matters. I’m taking it day by day. For today, it means he’s there and I am here. Our children are healthy and seemingly well adjusted.

Life…everyday is a new adventure…but only if you allow it. Live life. Give joy. Be at peace.

Nosy neighbors. I get it, but I don’t get asking the youngest questions about it.

That’s all I am ready to say right now. When I wrap my own head around everything a little bit more then maybe I will blog about it.

Life is upside down right now.

Aunt Hazel was active and child like with her Alzheimer’s. Aunt Nadine degenerated quickly and was bothered by her lack of lucidity. My last visit was very difficult because I know she was trying to place me, but was confused. There was a short period of time where she smiled, and seemed to genuinely realize who I was. I hope that is the case, but I do not know for certain. I knew it was the last time I would see her, but it doesn’t make today any easier.

Aunt Hazel was simply dynamic. I enjoyed time with her and found great amusement in everything she did. However, it was Aunt Nadine that I spent most of my early childhood with. She took me in when my Gran became very ill and had to rehab back to health. The childhood memories I do have involve Aunt Nadine…chasing her cats, playing piano/organ, playing with my uncle’s fiddle, running in the field behind her home, dropping rocks into the storm shelter though the vent pipe, getting in trouble for dropping rocks in the storm shelter, gardening, and traveling here, there and everywhere.

When I think about Aunt Nadine I recall all of the above things, but I also fondly remember Breyer’s ice cream, Grapico, fried okra, and corn bread. She crocheted, painted ceramics, went to auctions, made dolls, and got into so many different crafts. She kept herself busy with some craft project all the time! Every night we watched Wheel of Fortune and The Price is Right. I loved staying with her. She fostered my independence.

As a teen I loved to stay with Aunt Nadine when Gran would be put in the hospital. She let me be me. She didn’t treat me like a kid. I was responsible for taking care of myself and asking if I needed something. It was a relationship that worked very well.

Independent and head strong, she was like a sister to my Gran…even though their relationship was by marriage. She was a strong woman, and a reason that I often joke about the strength of my paternal side’s X chromosome and the apparently flawed Y.

My life would be very different without her. Dearly loved. Earnestly missed.

A workshop. The monarch butterfly was discussed. It’s diligence and beauty really made an impact on my thoughts. Making the list of favorite things, butterflies. (Moths too, there are really pretty moths.) Butterflies have beauty, grace, perseverance. It is there preservation of life that attracted me to them.

I’ve made no secret that I love the outdoors. I love to just be. No agenda. No noise. Just nature. It is very soothing. Dauphin Island, AL is at the top of my list for beach vacay. Sitting on the beach, sand in my toes…just watching waves come in. No expansive commercial development. Just locals, snowbirds, and a few vacationers. (I also like visiting the fort. Have to get the history tours in where I can.)

Historical places. There is something special about a place with historical significance. Knowing that life was there before. Something major happened. Places have a story to tell, sometimes it is clearly documented and others you just need to observe. A few of my favorites: Natchez Trace, Savannah, DC, and Charleston. I love this place. Standing on the pier looking out over the water. Old city with history and diversity. It is a place to explore. I remember being fascinated by the buildings, old doors, windows, and streets.

Hiking. Whether out using high priced satellites to find tupperware in the woods (geocaching) or just out to be quiet, I love it. If you are quiet enough, and still enough, you can see/hear so much. One of the most soothing and relaxing things to do is find a large log by the water. Climb up, sit back and just listen. Your mind will clear. Your body will relax. For a moment, the world will seem perfect.

How’s that for an it’s been a while ramble? Random. Sanity seeking. Without real purpose. Next time…pictures. You can never lose with images.

So anyway…it’s time. Usually I am simply ready for a change of scenery. Now, I’m ready for a change of pace. I desire no contact with parents who firmly believe their child is perfect. I desire no grading or paper correction. I desire no formal lesson plans, personal education plans, IEPs, 504s, extensive self assessment, extensive professional development plans (that are completely unrelated to the reality of the classroom experience, no non-educational sponsorship of a social program for student entertainment, no dance planning or pep rally, and I would prefer not to be standing from 7 AM until 4 PM.

Oh, and I really don’t want to take a lot of crap home.

And I don’t want to be required to say: “Do you want fries with that?”

Students completed applications. More than 70 applications went out. Forty-nine applications were returned. One interview was completed a day early and three more students didn’t show for their interviews. I only wanted to accept 15, but increased that number to 20. Only one student with a school parental was accepted. I almost didn’t accept that student b/c of the parent connection but felt that was just as unfair as accepting the student b/c of the parent connection. One teacher made the statement that it was a courtesy. Um…no. I responded that I did not realize that was the way things worked here and had I known that I would have NEVER accepted the responsibility since that is not how I work. This tuned changed as another parent made serious waves. Emails were exchanged. Nothing too major, but the tone was tense. I stopped responding and turned it over to administration who gave me their 100% support.

I would hate to know that my children received ANYTHING that they did not deserve. They know that they are responsible for themselves and I will not step in to get them things they don’t deserve. I will support them and speak for them if they need assistance, but I will NEVER demand that they receive something that they did not earn.

When you do that, what are you teaching your kids?

I checked on my car today. The estimate is in and I should have it back by late next week. Looking forward to having it back. I didn’t realize how attached to it I was. Soon. hopefully soon.