In trying to decide a blog prompt I found a quote from Voltaire that almost touches the feelings I have. Sometimes I really feel alone in this struggle of life. I have good friends, but I do not utilize their willingness to listen. I am glad that they do not pry, but offended that some don’t even bother asking where I have been or how I am doing. I have really found out who my friends are. They are the ones who do not push, but they also won’t leave me alone. There are some who would drop everything at a moments notice if I simply said I needed them.

I have seen great maturity in my children. The teen displays responsibility and empathy, along with a do what you have to do drive that I didn’t know she had. The tween struggles, but she does what she has to do and makes sure she knows what is expected of her. There are times I wish she would show more emotion. I know she is worried about life. What does the separation mean for her? What treatment is mawmaw going to get? When? What is it going to do to her? When will she be cured? These are my questions too. I don’t think the tween understands what ‘there is no cure’ really means. Everything done is simply buying time.

Short of the story, my aunt has been three months with a diagnosis and no treatment. Most of the time IBC patients receive treatment within days of diagnosis. It seems that UAB’s cancer center just wanted to study her. That’s not OK. With my cousin here things started getting done, but still no treatment. So she got my aunt into a center in Chicago. They leave Wednesday. I hope too much time has not been lost.

I am here. Helpless. Hopeful.

I’m not thrilled with the hand life has dealt…not for me or many in my family. Sometimes we get the opportunity to exchange some cards for new cards. We never know the consequences of this choice, but we hope that the new hand will take us down a better path. In life we tend to keep our poker face on. No one really knows what is going on inside. Sometimes the goal is to just survive, bluff our way through. Sometimes it is to advance the game, raise the stakes, and win big. What is really winning though? Surviving? Making it to the end? No one gets out alive. How do you win? I choose to believe that if you can smile, you are on the way to winning.

There are some days I’m not winning. I feel so buried in the chaos that I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are other days I’m pretty sure that light is a train, not sunshine. I want to upset the balance of sunshine and train. I know that the path I have chosen is walking toward the sunshine. I just hope there isn’t a train coming around the corner.

Regardless of the hand we are dealt, we have to make decisions for ourselves. That does not mean that we ignore everyone else, that we act selfishly and without regard to the consequences of our decisions. It means that we have to make our own choices and live our own life, but in context of the grand scheme. We should not make decisions with a complete disregard for others, or ourselves. We have to look at all aspects, positive and negative, and take the negatives of life and learn from them. I would not be the person I am today without the life I have had.

What does the future hold?

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Bye bye 4th. *waving*

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/joy
a : the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight

Joy is the feeling of grinning inside Melba Colgrove

I cling to the phrase: Live life. Give joy. Be at peace. It has been years since I began using this nugget of inspiration and I now do not remember where it came from. I love the Colgrove quote. Joy really is grinning inward. That feeling of exhilaration that cannot be explained. If you can give someone that, you have been successful that day. It is easy to smile on the outside. The inside can remain broken and no one is the wiser. Smiling on the inside, that’s the trick.

Keep your smile. Don’t allow anyone to steal your joy.

Oh the insanity. Students were hyped because exam week started. Most teachers were not covering new content, but reviewing. With a sick child at home I was running late. The tween needed to go to the doctor and I needed to organize the day for a sub so I decide to take a half day. When I inform our secretary she says a lot are out and I have to find my own coverage. Oh joy. Several had meetings and a few just weren’t willing. I spent the few minutes I had before school trying to work it out. When I finally get to my room I realize something rather important, I had forgotten the arrival of my student teacher. Oops. Fortunately, I managed to work out the tween to doctor situation. The rest of the day was spent maintaining students and completing various tasks that others had to have IMMEDIATELY.

The real insanity actually started the Friday before…

Formatives were being given. Teachers were not allowed to give their own so we had to trade classes for the formative period.

Students are creatures of habit. They don’t like change. We decided it would be best for the teachers to swap, not the students. That way they get to take the formative exam in their regular classroom. At this time the formatives are field tests. They do not count for or against the teacher student. The students know this and resent having to do it. I asked my students to take the test and do their best, so they did. They don’t want me to get into trouble if they choose to simply mark ‘c’ or nothing and turn their paper in. Yes, my little darling are loyal. The teacher I swapped with did not have the same loyalty. If I had to teach his students every day I would quit. They were awful. Almost as bad as my previous school. For the most part the boys weren’t the problem. The girls have the mouth, the sarcasm, the resentment for another female. They did not want to be seated for the exam. They did not want to stop talking. They did not want to even bother reading each question and taking a guess. “Howee sposed to know dis?” You’ve been in the class for 18 weeks, the district has hope that you have retained something??? I managed to get most of the class on my side. With proximity, smiles, and encouragement most students made the attempt. Only one flat refused and thankfully she slept. This was a class of freshman, with many on the “extended” program for high school. I could not leave this class unattended for me and the other teacher to change back so he left my guys and came to me. When I returned to my room they were relatively quiet and patiently waiting. Yes, my loyal little darlings. I was told by the other teacher that two of my students walked out, that they didn’t want to go to last lunch. Both returned within minutes of my arrival. The boys said that he had to go to the bathroom and the other teacher wouldn’t let him. I reminded student that the other teacher was just following the rules. Student understood, but he really needed to go. I then asked him where he ended up because he had been gone a long time if it was just a bathroom issue. He had been searching for his administrator so he could explain why he walked out and was going to be referred. Since he couldn’t find him he came back to see if I was back. I figure he really must have had to go to the restroom if he didn’t just take off and not bother coming back to the room. The girl that walked out admitted that she went to second lunch. She stayed in my room for third lunch while everyone else went on to eat. She didn’t tell me why, but her administrator dropped by to check that she wasn’t in third lunch. Apparently she had a contract to stay away from a third lunch student and she didn’t want to get in trouble for breaking that contract. Both breaking the rules, but both doing what they had to do in order to avoid bigger trouble. Baby steps…

There was also a fairly major fight and a teacher melt down. Not me, but the teacher across the hall. She is on leave now. Sad when someone is pushed to their limit. No single cause, but a collection of mishaps. The semester ends next week. Hoping for calm.

I’m feeling good about it all, but there is an increased tension around campus. Just the way it is.

The oldest asked me about cable today. For the past two months I have not had cable or satellite. We use Netflix and whatever else we can stream online. Watching television is a deliberate act, not turning on the box and using it for background noise. I have enjoyed not having a television and have not missed it. Not sure how I feel about adding cable. I don’t want it to change the dynamic.

No news on the family front and back to the work front this morning was just as expected. Students and teachers alike were not excited to be there. Another day of recovery would have been appreciated, but it is at least one step closer to the end of the semester.

So…

How did this day count?
Full day of school, full day of instruction. Progress was made. My students were glad to see me and I was glad to see them. A full workout was accomplished. The routine is being regained. Starting the week off right. Going to school while it seems everyone else was enjoying another day of recovery was not what I desired to do, but I did it and had a good day in spite of having to.

I chose to smile today.

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama’s socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama’s plan”.. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A…. (substituting grades for dollars – something closer to home and more readily understood by all). After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. Could not be any simpler than that. These are possibly the 5 best sentences you’ll ever read and all applicable to this experiment: 1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. 2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. 3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. 4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it! 5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Borrowed from FB friend..

It’s amazing to me how facing the trials of life can reveal so much. I’ve certainly found out who my friends are. Several I have known for years and years, others only a little while. Kind words, a laugh, checking up or a simple hi…all uplifting. When I think about all that haven’t even bothered to find out what is going on or how things are I shake my head and think “that’s about right”. Typical. Expected. Sad. I would offer no information, and really am not interested in the probing discussion that would take place, but I just find it strange that there hasn’t been a word spoken.

Other than life, crazy time of year. I’m not ready to embark on the Christmas journey, but it is on my agenda for next week. The rest of this weekend involves finishing a house project and grading. Lots and lots of grading. Joy.

As for life…we’ve separated. I don’t know what that means for later and I don’t think it matters. I’m taking it day by day. For today, it means he’s there and I am here. Our children are healthy and seemingly well adjusted.

Life…everyday is a new adventure…but only if you allow it. Live life. Give joy. Be at peace.

Nosy neighbors. I get it, but I don’t get asking the youngest questions about it.

That’s all I am ready to say right now. When I wrap my own head around everything a little bit more then maybe I will blog about it.

Life is upside down right now.

Aunt Hazel was active and child like with her Alzheimer’s. Aunt Nadine degenerated quickly and was bothered by her lack of lucidity. My last visit was very difficult because I know she was trying to place me, but was confused. There was a short period of time where she smiled, and seemed to genuinely realize who I was. I hope that is the case, but I do not know for certain. I knew it was the last time I would see her, but it doesn’t make today any easier.

Aunt Hazel was simply dynamic. I enjoyed time with her and found great amusement in everything she did. However, it was Aunt Nadine that I spent most of my early childhood with. She took me in when my Gran became very ill and had to rehab back to health. The childhood memories I do have involve Aunt Nadine…chasing her cats, playing piano/organ, playing with my uncle’s fiddle, running in the field behind her home, dropping rocks into the storm shelter though the vent pipe, getting in trouble for dropping rocks in the storm shelter, gardening, and traveling here, there and everywhere.

When I think about Aunt Nadine I recall all of the above things, but I also fondly remember Breyer’s ice cream, Grapico, fried okra, and corn bread. She crocheted, painted ceramics, went to auctions, made dolls, and got into so many different crafts. She kept herself busy with some craft project all the time! Every night we watched Wheel of Fortune and The Price is Right. I loved staying with her. She fostered my independence.

As a teen I loved to stay with Aunt Nadine when Gran would be put in the hospital. She let me be me. She didn’t treat me like a kid. I was responsible for taking care of myself and asking if I needed something. It was a relationship that worked very well.

Independent and head strong, she was like a sister to my Gran…even though their relationship was by marriage. She was a strong woman, and a reason that I often joke about the strength of my paternal side’s X chromosome and the apparently flawed Y.

My life would be very different without her. Dearly loved. Earnestly missed.