Kontan.

Archive for the ‘Ramblings’ Category

go with the flow

There are no responsibilities this week. This fact is somewhat two edged. I am thankful to have nothing pressing to do, but it does leave time to think. That is not so bad, but I must resist the urge to dwell on my school situation. The helplessness if frustrating. I do not like for things to be out of my control, but there is nothing more that I can do. I have submitted my applications, and I check the boards for vacancy posts. I have contact administrators. There is nothing to do but wait. If nothing comes available I can sub in the fall.

After browsing blogs I see that many are struggling to keep blogging. Life gets in the way. There is so much to say, yet nothing at all.

In other news…
The picture above was taken in October at Panama City Beach. Sadly PCB and other gulf beaches are on the road to irreparable damages. It is devastating to watch. I suspect the government and BP are being less than honest about the danger and possibility of containment. Even if there is the possibility of repair, I do not think it will be in our lifetime. :’(

I spent twenty years tryin’ to get out of this place- I was lookin’ for somethin’ I couldn’t replace- I was runnin’ away from the only thing I’ve ever known…Who says you can’t go home? There’s only one place that calls me one of their own.

Who? Me.

At the beginning of the summer I went home. It wasn’t home. I don’t know what has happened, but it just flat out is not home. Maybe it was because Jem was not there. I hope, but I don’t think so. Life is so different there. Priorities are different. We are not better, not worse, just different. It is a sad realization, but I guess everyone establishes life as they know it and it becomes home for them. Prior to NC it was exciting to go home for a weekend. Now, not so much. I find it difficult to justify our ideas and our choices. We aren’t that “out there”. We go to church, we encourage independence in our children, and we strive to eat right and do right. Really, it isn’t that crazy. Home just wasn’t comfortable. I look back at a previous visit and realize this was coming.

It was great to visit with family. I was able to visit my elderly aunts. When I was a small child I lived with the younger (at 89) for several years. I remember riding on the back of a four wheeler with the elder (at 92) when she was in her 70s. I had to ask her to slow down. Both suffer from Alzheimers. I wrote about my visit last year and one has progressed deeper into AD, while the other seems the same or better. Aunt N, the younger, is sinking deeper into the disease. I don’t know if she recognized me, or grasped the memory of my name. She did not speak much and is having trouble keeping her head up. I’m told that swallowing is difficult. She is very bothered by the unfamiliar. She was more responsive when I visited her in January. Aunt H, the elder, was as spry as always. She was still carrying her favorite picture, taken almost 70 years ago. She not only named everyone in it, but she told a story about her sister who eloped on the evening that the picture was made. The girls were highly entertained by her. I explained Alzheimer’s as a disease similar to what Dory experienced in Finding Nemo. The long term memory is there, but the short term is not. Aunt H proved my point as she noticed the girls there and asked who they were five times during the visit. When I stood up to leave I had my back to Aunt H and she popped the back of my knees, saying she just couldn’t resist. She is extremely cute and just takes life as it comes. After saying goodbye to my aunts the rest of us gathered at the door to say farewell. It was then that Aunt H went over to her sister and they started playing together with a toy car. There is something cute about two ninety year old women playing with a matchbox car. It is also very sad to see what AD has done to them. Two very intelligent and driven women are losing themselves. One just goes with the flow and the other is extremely bothered by what is happening to her. It would be much easier if AD treated every victim as it does Aunt H. Unfortunately it is different for everyone.

The visit was not awful and I do not regret it. It was simply different and just that, a visit. Home is now somewhere else. In some ways it is sad, but we are happy where we are and to me that is most important.

I’ve been there, done that, now I ain’t lookin’ back.
- title and quotes credited to Bon Jovi

It’s been a while since I stayed up past 10 PM. It looks like summer is going to keep us busy. Both of the girls have camp at the end of July. They have rediscovered the joys of the local library and Carowinds is always an adventure. I’m sure both will be part of our weekly routine. This week we have our version of VBS. It’s a little wild, crazy, and a lot messy. The kids have fun and the look on the faces of parents when they pick up their mud/chocolate/water soaked child is priceless. We did include a disclaimer on all info that went out prior to Kid Jam Nights…can’t say they weren’t warned.

I have a workshop this week. Not sure how I feel about that. I’m looking forward to the information and learning how the Promethean software/hardware can help me in the classroom, but if I don’t have a contract next year there is very little benefit to me. My former principal has not responded to messages, but the workshop coordinator said I was welcome to attend and that I should receive credit. I desperately need CEU credit so I am going to go and hope for the best. I have been offended by being a part of the reduction in force (RIF) but maybe it is God’s way of letting me know that I really do want to be back with my gangsta thugs next year. I haven’t always been sure, and I still don’t think I’m certain. If they offered I would accept. I wouldn’t mind working in the same district as my girls though.

It really is late for me and I’m not used to the late night hours yet. Time to call it what it is…night.

annoying and I would LOVE to get rid of it! so far, no luck. auto-upgrade is not working either. I vow to not let this consume me.

tomorrow starts my summer. we spent last week in AL for a visit. let’s just say I am glad to be home. it wasn’t bad…but home sweet home.

tomorrow is officially the last school day, and the beginning of unemployment. What do I say for that? You know, I think this is happening so that I will see I really do want to be at this school. I’m still not “concerned” yet. I’m not frantic. Things look good that I will be rehired. My direct admin is telling me to stay in touch with the admin of the school. I made contact and she said to go ahead and sign up for the workshop I have to attend in order to get my promethean board and HP notebook. I have to raise my ears and turn my head to that. I have to find out tomorrow if I will even be able to attend the workshop. My name is in to HR for rehire. I think all is going to be OK, but everyone is talking in circles. I hate the politically correct game.

I am looking forward to summer. Over the last six months I have seriously fallen off the edge of the blogosphere. I barely blog and only skim a few of my long time blog buddies. After my last books-a-mil visit I scored several books that I am excited about. After I finish America’s Women by Gail Collins I plan to pick an Alabama Author and enjoy Joshilyn Jackson’s The Girl Who Stopped Swimming. then I will be on to a brainless read by Nora Roberts. I will probably have a dual reading period with Reclaiming Your Daughters: What parenting a pre-teen taught me about real girls, then pick up The Shawnees and the War for America. At some point I will enjoy Clearing Land by Jane Brox and learn about the legacies of the American farm. Depending on what I teach next year I will read Freakanomics or an American history refresher. There will be more, as hot days tend to keep me indoors.

I do plan to get back to geocaching and playing with the camera. Both girls have camp. I’m hoping the oldest will have grades satisfactory enough to allow her to go. If not I will have to figure out something else, I would hate for her to miss it. Sometime an Alabama trip is in order. I’m not sure how I feel about that at the moment, but it will be nice to visit family.

Sorry life isn’t more exciting…but it is our life and regardless of the job sitch, we are happy and I think that counts.

My second exam did not go well, but it went as I expected, 43%. I’m severely disappointed with my third exam. Only 58% passed, 10 of 17. I can name six of the seven kids who likely did not pass. I still don’t get it. You have to get 46 of 100 questions correct in order to pass. Twenty of the 100 are not scored, so I guess the real scenario is 46 of the 80 scored questions correct. Either way…not many. Out of my second class there were several who were within a point of passing. I’m hoping for good things on Tuesday’s retest. No test Monday, but I do have to proctor…dangit. I am looking forward to the end of school, but each day closer means something different this year. Each day I am one day closer to unemployment. Things look good that I will be rehired, but there are no guarantees.

Doing the friends and family thing lately…life is good.

My first exam is complete and I received the call today that 72% of my students passed. That is the highest percentage in the department, woot! I should enjoy it now because tomorrow will not be the same song. My second block is very weak. I’ll be lucky to see 50%. It is validating to know that the students that are 100% mine did well. My other two classes are year longs and I took over for someone else. They had to learn a new teacher, and I had to gain their trust…overcoming the issue of Mr. So-n-so didn’t do it like that.

Please Lord be with them and help them do their best.

It’s race season in the area. What does this mean? LOTS of people, lots of traffic, and lots of fun. Our church volunteers to run golf carts for those in need at the track. The priority is elderly and handicap. It is amazing how many people are so caught up in themselves that they will rush past a guy on crutches to get a ride. “But I got money!” It’s not about the money. One guy told me “it’s always about the money.” Um, no sir, it’s not. Excuse me, but I will be carrying the guy who is on crutches.

One being a little peace and quiet…maybe. By 7:40 this morning there had been three fights in my area, only one in my room. Really? I certainly hope it was worth it b/c now dear students you will miss valuable test review time…and for what? Someone wouldn’t pick up a paper that had fallen/been knocked/whatever off your desk, someone made a comment you didn’t like, or you’re probably going to fail so you want to take a few more down with you…what? CRAZY.

The rest of the day went really well. My students worked in groups and did exactly what I wanted them to. They thought through the test material and questioned the value of each possible answer choice. They didn’t get all the right answers, but they demonstrated that they had learned the test taking skills I spent time teaching them. I’m very proud of their progress.

Fourth period I felt validated by a student taking refuge in my room. He is never a problem for me and does what I ask him to do. I don’t think he has the same rapport with other teachers. I found him in the hall with a security officer. He had been kicked out of his fourth period class so asked to come to mine instead of going to ISS. Works for me. This was an opportunity to spend some one on one time and really encourage him to step it up before his senior year. I got to know him better and even experienced a compliment or two. He likes the way I teach and the way that there are some days I seem to understand today is not the day to force the work issue. He said he appreciated the fact that I realized they had life to deal with outside this school. This kid has his head on straight. I just hope he learns that you really have to work within the system provided and not fight against it. Even if someone, a teacher maybe, pushes your buttons you have to look out for your own success and keep pressing forward with the end goal in mind. Don’t give in to your urges.

I’m really going to miss these guys next year.

As I listen to the London Symphony perform the music of Sting I am able to relax and ponder life. I’ve been in a blog funk for a while. I have been reading blogs, but rarely commenting. I consider blogging, but rarely follow through. All of us go through these periods in our blogging life. I was just reading over at TenseTeacher and she made the statement that perhaps it is best to forget and move on. That is where I have been lately. The days have had ups and downs, and the chaos of life just gets in the way. I felt like everyday I had the same thing to say, I’m tired. Some blessings and some frustrations were the nature of the day. In January a friend told me that I would adjust to the 5 AM wake up call. Hasn’t happened yet. I try to go to bed early, the earliest possible being 9:30, but it never seemed to work that way. Even when I was able it was almost impossible to fall asleep without the assistance of Tylenol PM. Jem’s schedule was such that we were never seeing each other awake, and I found it very difficult to sleep until he was home. Now that area is fixed, and I have a new issue…what does the future hold? I have been officially notified that my contract is not being renewed. It is not because of performance, it is because of my “low man on the totem” status. That irritates me because my scores are better that some of the department veterans. I hate the phrase, but it is what it is. I must look at this as an opportunity to do something else and a push for me to seek harder a position in the same district as my children. Maybe it is also an opportunity to test my patience, faith, and dispose of my self-righteous attitude. I don’t think I deserve to be cut, but I also don’t feel that my colleagues should be cut either. But I ramble on about the frustration, and it solves nothing. As I created a new template yesterday I clicked around and enjoyed the pics that I have posted. I have gotten away from geocaching, hiking, and so many things that I enjoy. I’m consumed by life and that is no way to be. Life is to be enjoyed and I need to do more of it.