This has not been a good few weeks for me. My birth father passed away on the 24th. I received a call today that my step-dad could not keep fighting emphysema and his body gave up. He died yesterday. I do not know what my mother will do or how she will cope with this, but I feel terrible for her. I liked my step-dad, he was nice enough and treated her well. He raised my brother as his own and was good to me too.
It is a sad reminder that life is not a guarantee. Anything can happen, anytime. It could be scary if you allow it to consume you. The people left have to make so many decisions in a time of utter confusion and grief. I’m at a loss for words these days. There is guilt for things I had no control over and sadness for things undone, unsaid. I pray that my mother will be strong through this. I don’t know what she will do from this point forward. To my knowledge they were inseparable. I’ve never known them to be apart any period of time. I can’t imagine…don’t want to.
Goals for the weekend:
*strength
*avoid the desire to sleep and wallow in sadness over what was or was not
*finish my school work that I have no choice but to have complete by Monday
Life does not slow down when we don’t want to face its obstacles. It just keeps going, dragging us along with it until it is our stop.
I was thankful to see Friday arrive. The weekend will be filled with work, but that’s OK. It is not long until winter break. I’m still blogging only to be blogging. I know some of you understand that. It isn’t that I don’t like it, I just don’t know what to say. Sometimes it is beneficial to just start typing and let whatever comes out come out. There are so many things that I am still not ready to face, not ready to verbalize or type into reality. I feel like Tchaik in a storm. Tchaik is our big boy… When it storms he wants to come inside and you can sometimes find him hiding under the bed. His head is the only part that fits so the rest of his body is sticking out…but he feels hidden because no one can see his face. It is much easier to face something if we pretend that all is well, or we can keep it hidden. [protect]There are times when everything feels normal and others when it feels like the world has collapsed. I don’t totally understand. I’ve had no contact for years and knew that this day would one day come. I expected it. One can not live a self destructive lifestyle and make it to a ripe old age. It happens but just isn’t the norm. I never knew that it would be as shocking as it was. I didn’t know what was expected or what I was supposed to do. My great-uncle told me that I needed to do exactly what I wanted and not worry about anything else. Now those who wanted money made it clear what my responsibilities were. Talk about kick someone when they are down. I told them they were speaking without all the facts and didn’t know what they were talking about…but it doesn’t change the guilt. Guilt. MY guilt. WTH, why do I feel guilty? I did what I thought was best to protect myself and my children. It doesn’t change the guilt. I have to face that he engaged in a self destructive life long before I came along and long after I left. Somehow I have to understand that it is not my fault. So many what if questions surface. Currently listening to my iTunes library. Playing is Chris Rice, Everything’s OK. I really need it to be. One thing that I learned from this week: I have family that considers me their own and they are willing to go through the most uncomfortable situations just to support me through it. Great-uncle didn’t have to be the messenger, but he was and he told me it was OK to feel how I felt. My cousin CA has been one that is so often there during tough times. She and her husband were there when our first was born. She was the nearest family last time we lived here. She stood behind me Tuesday. MW and his parents, without them I wouldn’t have faith that God has a reason for everything. They were there. In fact, MW’s dad spoke at Grans funeral too. He didn’t have to speak Tuesday, but he did. They didn’t have to come, but they did. My aunt…she has four children of her own. She has every reason to be bitter and not want to be there Tuesday. She was going to keep my girls but circumstances worked out where she came to the funeral instead. She stood with me and behind me. She was willing to put herself through it to support me. My whole life she has filled a mothering role and my uncle the father figure. The last few years they have been my only real family. Without these guys and my husband I wouldn’t have been OK Tuesday. I sat there, listened to the pastor speak, and focused on the trees nearby. I could feel the sunshine on my face. The chill of the gentle breeze and my nervousness did not set in. It was OK and I did make it through it. The pastor said that for the last years he had been coming to church. He had certainly been using the Bible I gave him years ago. All I hope is that he came to terms with himself and worked it out with God. I guess it is my turn to work it out, to come to terms with life…accept it for what it was and realize that I am a stronger person because of it and there is nothing I can do about the past.[/protect]
If you want for nothing you won’t be disappointed. Gran
and you can’t change the past but you can work on the future.
Instead of facing reality I chose to bury myself in cyberspace this evening and search for wp themes. [protect]There is no appropriate title for this post so I put the question at the front of my mind. I’m not ready to explain…deal…vent…reflect…feel. I received news today that would devastate many. For me it is shock and then unknown. My Dad died. Dad…Here I rarely use that term to refer to him. Soon I must reflect on that aspect because there are so many others that will be buried with him.[/protect]
November 25th brings nothing new. I still don’t have words.
