This has not been a good few weeks for me. My birth father passed away on the 24th. I received a call today that my step-dad could not keep fighting emphysema and his body gave up. He died yesterday. I do not know what my mother will do or how she will cope with this, but I feel terrible for her. I liked my step-dad, he was nice enough and treated her well. He raised my brother as his own and was good to me too.
It is a sad reminder that life is not a guarantee. Anything can happen, anytime. It could be scary if you allow it to consume you. The people left have to make so many decisions in a time of utter confusion and grief. I’m at a loss for words these days. There is guilt for things I had no control over and sadness for things undone, unsaid. I pray that my mother will be strong through this. I don’t know what she will do from this point forward. To my knowledge they were inseparable. I’ve never known them to be apart any period of time. I can’t imagine…don’t want to.
Goals for the weekend:
*strength
*avoid the desire to sleep and wallow in sadness over what was or was not
*finish my school work that I have no choice but to have complete by Monday
Life does not slow down when we don’t want to face its obstacles. It just keeps going, dragging us along with it until it is our stop.
I was thankful to see Friday arrive. The weekend will be filled with work, but that’s OK. It is not long until winter break. I’m still blogging only to be blogging. I know some of you understand that. It isn’t that I don’t like it, I just don’t know what to say. Sometimes it is beneficial to just start typing and let whatever comes out come out. There are so many things that I am still not ready to face, not ready to verbalize or type into reality. I feel like Tchaik in a storm. Tchaik is our big boy… When it storms he wants to come inside and you can sometimes find him hiding under the bed. His head is the only part that fits so the rest of his body is sticking out…but he feels hidden because no one can see his face. It is much easier to face something if we pretend that all is well, or we can keep it hidden. [protect]There are times when everything feels normal and others when it feels like the world has collapsed. I don’t totally understand. I’ve had no contact for years and knew that this day would one day come. I expected it. One can not live a self destructive lifestyle and make it to a ripe old age. It happens but just isn’t the norm. I never knew that it would be as shocking as it was. I didn’t know what was expected or what I was supposed to do. My great-uncle told me that I needed to do exactly what I wanted and not worry about anything else. Now those who wanted money made it clear what my responsibilities were. Talk about kick someone when they are down. I told them they were speaking without all the facts and didn’t know what they were talking about…but it doesn’t change the guilt. Guilt. MY guilt. WTH, why do I feel guilty? I did what I thought was best to protect myself and my children. It doesn’t change the guilt. I have to face that he engaged in a self destructive life long before I came along and long after I left. Somehow I have to understand that it is not my fault. So many what if questions surface. Currently listening to my iTunes library. Playing is Chris Rice, Everything’s OK. I really need it to be. One thing that I learned from this week: I have family that considers me their own and they are willing to go through the most uncomfortable situations just to support me through it. Great-uncle didn’t have to be the messenger, but he was and he told me it was OK to feel how I felt. My cousin CA has been one that is so often there during tough times. She and her husband were there when our first was born. She was the nearest family last time we lived here. She stood behind me Tuesday. MW and his parents, without them I wouldn’t have faith that God has a reason for everything. They were there. In fact, MW’s dad spoke at Grans funeral too. He didn’t have to speak Tuesday, but he did. They didn’t have to come, but they did. My aunt…she has four children of her own. She has every reason to be bitter and not want to be there Tuesday. She was going to keep my girls but circumstances worked out where she came to the funeral instead. She stood with me and behind me. She was willing to put herself through it to support me. My whole life she has filled a mothering role and my uncle the father figure. The last few years they have been my only real family. Without these guys and my husband I wouldn’t have been OK Tuesday. I sat there, listened to the pastor speak, and focused on the trees nearby. I could feel the sunshine on my face. The chill of the gentle breeze and my nervousness did not set in. It was OK and I did make it through it. The pastor said that for the last years he had been coming to church. He had certainly been using the Bible I gave him years ago. All I hope is that he came to terms with himself and worked it out with God. I guess it is my turn to work it out, to come to terms with life…accept it for what it was and realize that I am a stronger person because of it and there is nothing I can do about the past.[/protect]
If you want for nothing you won’t be disappointed. Gran
and you can’t change the past but you can work on the future.
Instead of facing reality I chose to bury myself in cyberspace this evening and search for wp themes. [Please login or register to view private content.]
DEBORAH TIERCE: Do you approach problem-solving like a ‘navigator’ or a victim’?
4/30/2006 8:48:50 AM
Daily Journal
What is it that causes two people in the same circumstances to take entirely opposite approaches to solving their problems? One person faced with economic hard times sees it as an opportunity.
We call these people the “navigators.” They strike out on a whole new path, blaze a new trail, and try something entirely different. It is almost as though they gain a sense of excitement, exhilaration and energy by the challenge. By selecting a new path, they gain momentum and create a whole new opportunity for themselves. The end result is they have reinvented themselves, moved closer to what the behavior theorist, Abraham Maslow, called self-actualization.
Self-Actualization is defined as discovering the potential within. Navigators are likely to unearth their true potential by constantly engaging in self-analysis, self-improvement and self-direction.
Contrast that with “the victim,” who sees the same problem as a “conspiracy” on the part of the cosmic forces trying to keep them down. They were “born to lose,” or “can’t win for losing.” Circumstances are always out of their control, and they are victimized by bad luck, more powerful people or a bad upbringing holding them hostage to a life of doom and misery.
They do not see the problem as any sort of growth opportunity. No, that would require admitting they could do something about their circumstances. That would require taking responsibility for their choices and their actions. It just never occurs to the victims to change their thoughts, behaviors and/or attitudes. The end result for the victim is stagnation.
The sad part about victims is they never really identify themselves that way. They can certainly see it when others are victims, but don’t identify with it themselves. They have no awareness of the role they play in attracting these negative forces that seem to come their way over and over again. So the perennial question remains: What causes some to be navigators and others to be victims?
A colleague of mine came up with a term I find very useful in explaining victims. They are a victim of “The Rut Syndrome.” She said when a victim is in the rut of life, it saves them from the winds of life. To get out of the rut would be to risk being exposed. The rut is safe, even if it is defeating; it keeps the victims sheltered from exposure. To be exposed would be much more painful than the rut they live in. So they hunker down, make excuses and never admit their weaknesses.
This could also be called “The Infamous Comfort Zone.” To stay in the comfort zone is to deny one’s real potential. To deny it is easier than reaching it. Because again, reaching potential would require a change in behavior, and that seems to be what victims avoid.
Driving home listening to Dave Ramsey yesterday. A lady calls in who is having financial struggles and about to go into foreclosure, five months behind on the house payment. Household income is 32000, plus a recent raise that will bring it to 36 or 38. Either way. She is a stay at home mom. They have a 20000 car note and one other large loan bill. The house is an 80/20 loan that is around 80 something…payments were 500 and 200 each month. Car payment was about 400. As you can read, way over extended. Bringing home only 2000 a month they were stretching it constantly. The obvious solution to me is get another job. Get two incomes coming in. Well what about being a SAH? so? Stay at home during the day and go to work in the evening when hubby gets home? Dave’s solution was hubby start delivering pizza’s every night, work two jobs. I have to ask why is that the only solution? Why not tell the mother to go out and get a job too? She can still stay home with kids during the day. With dad working two jobs his kids will never see him. Men are fully capable of keeping the kids alive…well at least mine is and I’m sure all can learn. I don’t get it! Why do without? Why seek government assistance? Why struggle so? when you could just get a job and make things just a little easier? That, IMO, is laziness. Yes, I understand gender roles…*imagining home improvement grunting in the background* but I don’t understand not being willing to do whatever it takes to make things work! Why should the man have to work 2 and 3 jobs while the woman stays at home? Granted being a SAH is not easy. I spent the few minutes she was talking to Dave yelling at the radio. She wanted a $75000 a year life on a $32000 a year income. I find it highly irritating when those spouting how wonderful they are for staying at home mooch off the system or whine about their economic plight. If you can afford it and want to, stay at home it will be an awesome experience. If you can’t afford it then find a way to work evenings while you stay at home during the day, the kids will benefit from alone time with daddy. No reason to make one member of the family work two or three jobs just so you can have your cake and eat it too. It doesn’t make you a better person. The better person is one who makes sure the family needs are met, and the kids are happy and healthy.
I have to wonder why Dave always suggests the husband get a second job. Just philosophy I guess. I would have told her to get rid of the $20000 car and get something you can actually afford, take a retail job in the evenings to supplement income, or see if their was a job that could be done from home. Help ease the stress and not cause more by expecting more out of your husband.
